Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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