mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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