so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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