Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
