For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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