I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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