I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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