Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
