My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
