I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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