There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
