I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
