I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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