When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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