You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
