I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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