im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
