My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
