i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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