I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
