He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
