is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
