so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
