There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
