She announced her abortion via fbk
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
