Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
