There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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