you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
