I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
