I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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