so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
