Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
