she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
