and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
