you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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