dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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