i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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