The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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