i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
