i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
