I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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