New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator