Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
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Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
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Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?