this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
