Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
