Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
