mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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