A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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