all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
