The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
