I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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