Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
