I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
