Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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