my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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