you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
