I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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