I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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