I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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