Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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