Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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