So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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