Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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