he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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