I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
